A segment from the story Slithor and I are working on.

Discussion in 'ThunderCats Fan-Fiction' started by Lady Ocelli, Aug 11, 2011.

  1. Lady Ocelli

    Lady Ocelli Shadowspy

    Just to make sure everyone is on the same page.: This takes place about 10 years after "The Book of Omens". The Pride refers to the flagship of Thundera. Avia is a world where the natives look like 7ft tall birds of prey. The reason the Thundercats are going there is to find out if the rumors of a colony of Thunderian refugees living there are true.


    Please read & leave comments good, bad or otherwise.

    When the Pride jumped out of warp, everyone looked at the world on the forward view-screen. A few minutes later, it was surrounded by a blue energy field. Tygra looked at his scanner, adjusted one of the dials, then turned to Lion-O and calmly reported. “I don't see any other energy surges.”

    “Just a planet-wide defense screen then; they're probably just being cautious,” Panthro added relaxing slightly

    Lion-O started to smile then turned to Wiley Kit at the communications station. “Kit open a channel.”

    She flicked several switches, “open and ready Lion-O.”
    “This is the Pride of Thundera requesting an audience with the leader of this world.”

    The screen changed and was replaced with a figure of a regal person who resembled a falcon. “I am Falconer, King of Avia, please identify yourselves,” he stated in a calm voice.

    “I am Lion-O, Lord of the Thundercats and I have been informed that there are Thunderian refugees living on your world.”

    “Probably,” the king carefully replied, “but what of your intentions toward Avia?”

    “We come as friends.”

    Looking at someone off-screen, the king flicked a switch and said, “I was told that the ruler of Thundera would be known by these.” The screen split in half; one side showed a holo of a familiar weapon and and symbol.

    “That's the Sword of Omens and a Thundercat insignia.” Lion-O held it in front of him with both hands. Then he returned it to the Claw Shield and removed the second item and held it up to the screen. While he was doing this Tygra was pondering with whom the king was communicating with and why the person's identity was kept hidden.

    Falconer nodded, then whistled a command. The defense field around Avia faded off. “Yes Lord Lion-O, there is a group of refugees living here who call themselves the Lost Children of Thundera. Would you come down so we may talk face to face?”

    “Agreed,”

    As Avia's ruler left the communications room and strode toward the Receiving Room, he was met by Viceroy Peregren who matched his pace.

    “I think you're making a serious mistake Falconer. How can we be sure that these are the Thundercats we've heard so much about? You can't compromise out safety just to bring us out of seclusion.”

    “Peregren, I value the safety of our world as much as you do. However, Avia can no longer remain isolated.”

    “As your Chief Advisor and friend, I'm asking you to proceed with caution.”

    “And as your king and friend, I'm asking you to trust my methods.”

    The two men walked for another few minutes and then the younger man said patiently. “She’s a grown woman old friend. She’s entitled to choose how to live her own life.”

    The chief adviser remained silent and the king shook his head. Ever since he had rescued the strange Thunderian and later adopted her, he had been very protective of her. In spite of the fact that she was a skilled warrior, he kept her apart from most of the other refugees. He shook his head as they entered the room and waited for their guests.
     
  2. Nine Tiger

    Nine Tiger Great Void Dweller

    A good beginning. My only comment is that I would fatten it with some visual descriptions, ie, what are folks wearing, what does the ship look like in the interior, etc. Clothing can make great props. For example, if the Viceroy was fingering a pendant to display his nervousness. Of course, you don't have to go overboard as I usually do ;)

    One thing with fan fiction is that we use short hand because people are familiar with the characters. If I had never heard of Thundercats, and had no idea what they were, how would you show me. :)

    MGP
     
  3. Lady Ocelli

    Lady Ocelli Shadowspy

    Thanks for the feedback and I'm working on adding more details. While technically this is Chapter 3, I wanted to give everyone a chance to read and review.
     
  4. TSharkfan1

    TSharkfan1 Active Member

    this seems like something that i would like to draw for you and Slithor
     
  5. Lady Ocelli

    Lady Ocelli Shadowspy

    Thanks and here's the revised version of the chapter.



    When the Pride jumped out of warp, everyone looked at the world on the forward view-screen. A few minutes later, it was surrounded by a blue energy field. Tygra looked at his scanner, adjusted one of the dials, then turned to Lion-O and calmly reported. “I don't see any other energy surges.”


    “Just a planet-wide defense screen then; they're probably just being cautious,” Panthro added relaxing slightly with a smile as he leaned back in his navigation chair. It was forward and left from the captain's chair.


    Lion-O started to smile then turned to Wiley Kit at the communications station. “Kit open a channel.”
    She grinned as she flicked several switches, “open and ready Lion-O.”


    “This is the Pride of Thundera requesting an audience with the leader of this world.”


    The screen changed and was replaced with a figure of a regal person who resembled a falcon. “I am Falconer, King of Avia, please identify yourselves,” he stated in a calm voice.


    “I am Lion-O, Lord of the Thundercats and I have been informed that there are Thunderian refugees living on your world.” He kept his voice equally calm because he wanted to create a positive first impression.


    “Probably,” the king carefully replied looking at them with calm brown eyes, “but what of your intentions toward Avia?”


    “We come as friends.” He spread out his arms to emphasize his words.


    Looking at someone off-screen, the king flicked a switch and carefully said, “I was told that the ruler of Thundera would be known by these. They were left on one of the walls.” The screen split in half; one side showed a holo of a familiar weapon and and symbol.


    “That's the Sword of Omens and a Thundercat insignia.” Lion-O held it in front of him with both hands. Then he returned it to the Claw Shield and removed the second item and held it up to the screen. While he was doing this Tygra was pondering with whom the king was communicating with and why the person's identity was kept hidden. It felt like they were being tested.


    Falconer nodded, then whistled a command. The defense field around Avia faded off. His voice became warmer as he stated. “Yes Lord Lion-O, there is a group of refugees living here who call themselves the Lost Children of Thundera. Would you come down so we may talk face to face?”


    “Agreed,” Lion-O smiled with relief before nodded to Wiley Kit that the conversation was finished. Baron Paradis smiled and nodded as if he was certain he was on the right track.


    As Avia's ruler left the communications room and strode toward the Receiving Room, he was met by Viceroy Peregren who matched his pace. The older man was agitated that the defenses were taken down too easily and his friend was too trusting of these strangers.


    “I think you're making a serious mistake Falconer. How can we be sure that these are the Thundercats we've heard so much about? You can't compromise out safety just to bring us out of seclusion.” The man's wings fluttered as he barely contained the tension in his voice. His hands were in tight fists as well.


    “Peregren, I value the safety of our world as much as you do. However, Avia can no longer remain isolated.” He calmly answered his wings softly moving as they walked.



    “As your Chief Advisor and friend, I'm asking you to proceed with caution.”


    “And as your king and friend, I'm asking you to trust my methods.”


    The two men walked for another few minutes and then the younger man said patiently. “She’s a grown woman old friend. She’s entitled to choose how to live her own life.”


    The chief adviser remained silent and the king shook his head and wings. Ever since he had rescued the strange Thunderian and later adopted her, he had been very protective of her. In spite of the fact that she was a skilled warrior, he kept her apart from most of the other refugees. He shook his head as they entered the room and waited for their guests.


    The diplomatic party consisted of Lion-O, Tygra, Kit, Kat and, at his insistence, Baron Paradis. They agreed to keep their communications units open in case of any trouble. The baron had also brought the mysterious box along and was the last to board the shuttle.


    When it landed on Avia, four guards were waiting on the landing pad. After Lion-O and the others had disembarked, one of the guards walked foreword and bowed to them. “Welcome to Raptor Palace, honored guests; please follow us.” He and one of the guards started walking toward the entrance; the remaining two stayed at the landing pad.



    As the group was escorted to the Receiving Room, they gazed at the inside of the halls. Tygra murmured admiringly at the airy style of the architecture. It gave the impression of being outside soaring among the clouds. When he asked about the fire bird designs on many of the tapestries, one of their escorts replied reverently. “They are all of the Phoenix, the Great Mother Guardian.” Before they realized it, they were facing Falconer, and three other Avians.


    “It’s good to meet you face to face Lion-O,” the king said in a welcoming tone. “This is my Chief Advisor Viceroy Peregren,” he gestured toward an older Avian who stepped foreword and bowed curtly. “My wife Aquila,” a charming female one shook hands with each of the guests. “My son and heir Hawken,” he said with obvious pride as the smallest one fluttered his wings and tried to stand as tall as his father.


    After the introductions, Falconer gestured toward an elegant table. It had an equally regal pitcher with several goblets. “Please help yourselves to some glacial melt water.”



    “Thank you, but I’d rather meet the person you were looking at off screen.”


    Unfazed, he nodded then clapped his hands once. A column of sparkling light appeared next to him. It changed into the most beautiful woman Lion-O had ever seen. Her hair was alternate shades of sunshine and honey blonde and her eyes an earthy brown. She wore a moss green vest with a white long sleeved silken shirt under it. A skirt and pair of boots the same color as her eyes completed her outfit. She also held a wooden staff with a clear crystal orb on top.


    “Honored guests, this is Felina. She’s the Mystic who verified the Thundercat symbol.”


    “Hello,” her voice was as lovely as her appearance, “I'm so very glad you're here.”


    While the king introduced her to everyone, Lion-O noticed her interest in Tygra. He looked at his friend, who seemed as surprised as he was. Then he saw Wiley Kat whispering something to his sister. She gave him a look that said what she thought of it. He turned back to his friend, who had decided to satisfy his curiosity.


    “Excuse me but have we met before?”


    “No, but there's just something about you I can't seem to resist.” She smiled and fluttered her eyes towards him.


    Lion-O smiled at the idea of his scholarly friend being the target of a woman’s affection. It was refreshing to see a woman admiring someone else for a change. He tried not to laugh when the tiger seemed unaffected by her flirtation.


    “Felina are you the leader of the Lost Children of Thundera?”


    “No that would be me.” The young woman stepped out of the shadows and walked over to the Thundercats. “My name is Ocelli, daughter of Catronis the deceased chief of the Ocelot clan.”


    Lion-O looked into her eyes; the same intensely blue eyes he had seen on the shadowy figure from his dream the other night. She looked to be in her early to mid 20’s, but acted with the maturity of someone a decade older. She wore a gray vest with matching leggings and ankle boots. Her red hair was caught in a loose braid.


    “How long have you been leader?” Tygra voiced the curiosity of the Thundercats and the baron.


    “Since the Avians liberated the Mutant prison in the Badlands region many years ago.”


    Only Peregren saw the third Thunderian woman standing in the shadows debating whether or not to come in. He shook his head and she went somewhere else in the castle. The Thundercats would never tear his adopted daughter away from the only home she remembered. He had worked too hard to keep her safe.
     

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